Stranger in London

Self-Esteem

I’m black

I’m tall and skinny

I have a ‘big’ nose

I get dry/oily skin

I have dry lips

I have ‘nappy’ hair

I don’t have a strong hairline

I don’t have a strong jawline

I have bags under my eyes

I’m flat footed

I’m slightly camp

These are all things society has made me feel bad for. Made me feel ugly for. I’veheard these utterances on the playground as a child. By gay men as a young adult. The inferiority of these aspects are consolidated in the media. In the Eurocentric society we live in. 

And I’m just not doing it anymore. I reject your ideals.

It’s bizarre that we as humans tend to believe the negative. I suppose it’s all an attempt to protect our own feelings from the hurt of rejection. I reject this. I know I’m not ugly. Nor am I the most beautiful human being in the world - but I’m not ugly. I’m not going to let anyone let me believe I am, because that isn’t fair. It isn’t fair on myself. It isn’t fair to the people who disagree. However big or small this number is, theirs is the opinion I should appreciate. My potential partner resides in this group, and each rejection is a step closer to him. Rejection is a blessing.

Self-Esteem. It’s worth it.

Depression

The thing with depression, is that it’s self-facilitating. It’s like a dynamo, constantly fueling itself. 

Depression is like a mountainous hill. There is perhaps alleviation at the top - a place of clear sight - but the climb is so exhausting.

Exhaustion is the consequence of depression quelling any sparks of optimism or mobilisation.

The demobilisation is a paradox because I’m perfectly able. I have all the time in the world and sufficient resources to do something. 

Yet: nothing.

An illustration of my sense of inferiority #1

unresolved-insecurities:

1. I feel ashamed for having had crushes on people I’m not worthy of.

2. I feel that I don’t have the right to pursue my ambitious dreams.

3. I feel that I have violated people with my presence, dull conversations and my inability to speak in an articulate, fluent manner.

4. I feel that I deserve bad experiences and treatment.

To be continued…

(Source: unresolved---insecurities)

Paradox

Emptiness becomes consuming.

Loneliness becomes overwhelming.

Vacuum becomes hyperdense.

Perception becomes imperceivable.